Partaking Cider

I'm still alive

2008-02-04T18:51:00.000-08:00

It's been a while, I know. Things are hectic, with all the getting out of the Army and stuff. Regular posts should resume in March, I think. I'll be glad to be out of the desert after 3.5 years.

Thomas Paine

2007-08-05T04:15:00.000-07:00

I promised much more than this but here are a few scraps, straight from the subject:

To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead.

The real man smiles in trouble, gathers strength from distress, and grows brave by reflection.

What. A. Week.

2007-08-03T14:55:00.000-07:00

I feel awful. Swamped at work, can't get to sleep, and addicted to Age Of Empires III in my spare time. The game isn't really that great, but it can swallow a day or a week. I plan to get it all out of my system this weekend. Maybe take some pictures, maybe fly a kite if the temperature falls below 100 degrees. Definitely try to sleep. The whole rest of this month is going to be hectic.My resume should be getting finalized this month. Then the job search begins in ernest. Only about 290 days left in the Army. WooHoo!

Friday's Marmaduke

2007-08-02T22:26:00.001-07:00

Marmaduke is dead.

Thursday's Marmaduke

2007-08-02T00:13:00.000-07:00

Marmaduke has escalated his sexual harrassment. His owner-lady is understandably nervous because he's FUCKING HUGE.

Wednesday's Marmaduke

2007-08-01T00:39:00.001-07:00

Marmaduke's owner-man is still on acid; that's why his face is so fucked up. Meanwhile, "Marm" insists on non-consensual oral sex with a stranger.

basketcase is funny

2007-07-30T23:19:00.000-07:00

Everyone patronize the website.

Tuesday's Marmaduke

2007-07-30T22:50:00.000-07:00

Marmaduke is dying. Again. These sociopathic little owner-kids don't care. Again.

(For older attempts to explain Marmaduke, click on the "joe mathlete" label below.)

Monday's Marmaduke

2007-07-30T01:51:00.000-07:00

Marmaduke's ignorance of traffic law is supposed to amuse us. His face is disfigured because:

A. He spent too much time with his head out the window.

B. He has developed tragic facial tumors.

C. His owner-man is on acid.

D. Brad Anderson is a tired old man.

You decide. Post any further suggestions in the comments section.

Fort Irwin, CA

2007-07-30T01:14:00.000-07:00

This is the view from my balcony:

Tehachapi, CA

2007-07-30T00:50:00.000-07:00

Here are some pictures from my mother-in-law's house:

Those are California Poppies, the state flower. Here's some of the mountains:

Coming This Week..

2007-07-29T12:53:00.000-07:00

I'm back. And here's what I plan to do this week:

1) Joe Mathlete is taking the week off, so I will explain Marmaduke for him. He didn't mind when I did it last time.

2) I have new and old pictures of California to post.

3) I want to write a short article on Thomas Paine and his relevancy in the 21st Century. Although I realise that he didn't have any original ideas, he put democracy in layman's terms.

4) Of course, there will be more pictures of cute animals.

Out

2007-07-23T11:10:00.000-07:00

I am officially off-line for the rest of the week, until maybe Friday or Saturday. Everyone hang in there and remember to relax once in a while. To quote my former sergeant: "It's not that serious."

lolcats

2007-07-22T10:38:00.000-07:00

I swear I didn't know what an lolcat was until last night, despite the fact that the picture at the top of this page is apparently cropped from one. I don't know why I even chose that picture because I'm not a cat person.

While I consider changing it, you can find hours of nerdy semi-entertainment at:
icanhascheezburger.com
and
lolcat.com

Palindromes

2007-07-22T03:15:00.000-07:00

Palindromes were a hobby of mine for a while. If you think about them for enough hours, your brain will start to automatically invert every word you see, hear, or think, searching for possibilities. I wrote this one:

Daria had a fad, a hair ad.

Sometimes they don't make perfect sense, but if all the words are real words, it counts. Another one of mine:

Aero-Kevin made Dave's eyes evade. Damn! I've Korea.

The best palindrome ever written was by Gordon Dow. It's a whole page, and it has moments of eerie profundity. It even seems to almost make narrative sense. I present to you: Dog Sees Ada

Now I've found the perfect marriage of hobbies. Webcomics and Palindromes come together in my latest discovery, Palindramas.

Animal du Jour

2007-07-22T03:01:00.000-07:00

Baby goats:

Goats are the only animal I know of that have rectangular pupils. I have mixed feelings about that. I also have a picture of an adult goat eating a placenta, and it is an image that will haunt you. Seriously, it made me periodically queasy for days, so I would never post it in a public place. If you really want to see it, leave a note in the comments and I will email it to you. (Or you could email me if you want to keep this between us, you sick freak!)

Goldmine!

2007-07-22T02:32:00.000-07:00

For those of you who have the internet mainly for the purpose of reading blogs that make fun of comic strips: I've found a real treat. The Comics Curmudgeon has been added to my links list, and this guy is an equal opportunity hater. He points out the the ridiculous in many strips per day, and the archives appear to go back for three years. It will take me weeks just to read the back material. Enjoy!

Only 24 Hours in a Day

2007-07-21T17:10:00.000-07:00

I'm having trouble finding time to post. However, I did add a webcomic to the links list on the left of your screen. I have about 40 saved to my favorites, but I need to go through them all and weed out the ones that aren't worth checking daily. I also need to organise my blogs list.

Providing links to cool places was one of the main reasons I started this blog. I was sending links in mass emails, but it was hard to keep track of what I sent to who. So, my next project is expanding the above-mentioned links lists for the entertainment of all 3 of my readers.

I'll be gone all next week

2007-07-19T22:07:00.000-07:00

...so I'd better post now. I'm considering posting a picture of a cute animal everyday; I have enough saved to last all year. Here's an otter:

Anyway, does anyone know how to attach an mp3 file on blogger?

More tomorrow. I don't leave until Monday.

Argh.

2007-07-18T22:52:00.000-07:00

I've been busy with aquarium maintenance all night. Luckily we're working half-days the rest of the week, and then I'm off all next week. (Your tax dollars at work!)

Because I have nothing else, I will include pictures of my Violet Gobies. Walmart sells them as "Dragon Fish" or "Dragon Eels", but those names are pure fiction designed to make them sound exotic. In reality, they are a swamp fish native to south Georgia and Florida.

Mine are only 7-8 inches long, but they never stop growing. If I can keep them alive for the next 20 years, they will be bigger than my whole arm, maybe my leg. I really hope I don't end up in the situation where I have to decide how to care for 2 huge fish. Maybe I could donate them to the Georgia Aquarium.

I'm still alive.

2007-07-17T16:07:00.000-07:00

I survived the Vegas trip, but now I'm broke. I forgot to take any pictures. Besides, what guy wants to walk around with a camera case hanging from their shoulder?

Everything's hectic at work and I'm worn out, so you will have to wait until tomorrow for my usual wit and wisdom.

Also, one of my frogs died, cause unknown.

Vegas, Baby!

2007-07-13T00:19:00.000-07:00

That's where I'll be until late Saturday. I'll take pictures.

Joe Mathlete is back on the job. I'll have to go back to coming up with my own material.

2007-07-12T00:05:00.000-07:00

Marmaduke's owner-lady is taunting him while presenting her backside, in the hope that his inevitable rage will provoke him to forcibly mount her. Again.

2007-07-12T00:02:00.000-07:00

Marmaduke's reputation as a sex-offender is universal.

2007-07-11T23:56:00.000-07:00

Brad Anderson has not seen what a skateboard looks like since 1972. Actually, no skateboard has ever looked like that. Also, "Marm" appears to have shat himself from the excitement.

2007-07-11T23:50:00.000-07:00

This is so stupid it defies any explanation. Owner-Lady appears to have become a catatonic, gravity-defying, psychedelic-pants-wearing mannequin with giant feet who is pointing at something that only she can see.

2007-07-11T23:45:00.000-07:00

Marmaduke continues to inconvenience his Owner-People. They continue to let him.

I'm filling in for Joe.

2007-07-11T23:36:00.000-07:00

Marmaduke is eating yet another child. A bullet could stop this madness, but PETA provides a 24-hour security detail. They also feed him orphans on a daily basis, so the animal doesn't feel the stress of hunger.

FaceBook is MySpace for Grown-Ups

2007-07-09T20:08:00.000-07:00

I encourage everyone to join me there, and add me as a friend. I am Patrick Reading in the Atlanta, GA network. Seriously, do it now!

The 100-Year Bloom

2007-07-09T17:51:00.001-07:00

When I first arrived in the Mojave Desert, it was late September 2004 and it was HOT. And DRY. The landscape looked like I had moved to Mars. The wind blew at hurricane-force, but felt like a hairdryer.

By November, the hot wind had turned cold. Really cold. It snowed before Thanksgiving that year. Then it started raining every day for the rest of the winter. I didn't know it at the time, but this was a once-in-a-lifetime event. I just bitched about being cold and wet.

Unbeknownst to me, this record-breaking rainfall was setting the stage for the most amazing Spring in living memory for the Mojave. The landscape, normally scrub-brush clinging to rocks and dust, turned green! As it was happening, I though it was normal: doesn't everywhere turn green in the Spring? No. To make a long story short: I saw vast valleys that appeared yellow because of tiny tiny flowers at the top of the little plants that came out of nowhere. I saw flocks of butterflies swimming through the air in an oddly organized cyclonic pattern. All through this I assumed that it was the wonder of a normal Spring in the desert.

Towards the end, my Aunt Janiel emailed me to ask about the desert flowers. It seems she had seen a news article about how plants were blooming in Death Valley (right next-door to me). Some of these plants only bloom about once every 100 years, and this was the rare occasion. I had enjoyed the event without even knowing how lucky I was to see it. At least I got this picture:

Now I know better. After 3 years, I realise that the Mojave won't bloom like that again anytime soon. It has only rained once (or twice?) this year, but only for a few minutes. Nothing like the floods of early '05. This is officially a drought. The tree in my front yard, which only exists because of a constant sprinkler-system, dropped all it's leaves in mid-June. I guess the sprinkler couldn't counteract the dry 118' air. It's possible that this tree, which took 30 years of special treatment to grow here, won't make it through the Winter. How can it, if it misses a whole year of photosynthesis?

Forget about the drought: the desert-life out here always bounces back. At least I got to see the biggest bounce of the century.

Self-Censorship

2007-07-08T06:41:00.000-07:00

They say the two things to avoid in polite conversation are politics and religion. Although that is pretty much the opposite of what most blogs are about, I plan to stick to that rule. I will bitch all day about the GOVERNMENT, but I won't get into debates about the two main parties we are stuck with. I see government and politics as two separate subjects.

Really, to say that one party is completely evil and the other is completely good seems incredibly naive to me. Sometimes I feel like we're in a 1-party system and they just divide us up so we feel like we have a choice. I believe it is Lou Dobbs (I haven't read his book yet) who claims that the special interests and corporations that really run the country bankroll both the parties. I don't know to what extent it's true that both parties work for the same people, but it's a scary thought, right?

Of course, I have candidates that I like. I'm just not going to campaign for them here. (Unless they want to pay me?)

Also, no matter how frustrated with the world I get, I'll restrict myself to only mild profanity. In the real world I cuss like a sailor, but I'm trying to keep my G-rating (see the bottom of this page).

My Acting Career in the Army

2007-07-07T09:50:00.000-07:00

During my first year or so at Fort Irwin, I spent exactly half my time (two weeks on, two weeks off) way out in the desert. My job out there was to portray an Iraqi civilian during war-games so the units that were on their way to the Big Sand Box could practice crowd control, interrogation, and walking into traps. I got to grow a beard and spend the majority of my time playing Scrabble.

You can't tell in the picture, but I'm wearing what we called a man-dress (ankle-length). We were mixed in with real Iraqis, and during our daily protests we just repeated whatever they were chanting. I don't know what I was yelling in Arabic. It wasn't nice. Most of the time it escalated into a riot and ended with a quick retreat by the Americans. This was always welcomed because it meant I could return to the shade and read a book.

Sometimes I miss those days, but mostly I'm glad I work in an air-conditioned office now and I get to go home every night and take a shower and sleep in a bed. Hooah!

OK

2007-07-05T08:17:00.000-07:00

No more more late-night, half-drunk, rambling rants. Next I'll be telling you who I think killed JFK. Believe me, you would think I was crazy or retarded or both.

So, here is a picture of a cute puppy:

I love fireworks, but...

2007-07-04T23:27:00.000-07:00

... to call this "America's Birthday" is a little misleading (like most of our traditions and accepted history). The Declaration of Independence did not establish any sort of nation, it was just a handful of influential colonists giving King George a written slap in the face. The "Perpetual Union" was not declared until 16 months later, on 15 November 1777, in the Articles of Confederation. Then, these supposed "United States of America" existed without a government for almost 12 years, until the Constitution was drafted in 1787, ratified in 1788, and took effect in 1789. I'm guessing the reason we don't celebrate the anniversary of the Articles of Confederation is that it would crowd (American) Thanksgiving, another modern invention based on fantasy and outright lies.

Honestly, I swear that I love The Declaration Of Independence. It contains beautiful and timeless words that should apply to all human beings on the planet. Just bear with me, I get upset when I think about our public schools' version of American History.

Please don't think that I have a negative attitude towards America in general. It is my love for this country that makes me so pissed off at it sometimes. I believe in Democracy, but I have no illusions that it has ever existed in this country independent of back-room deals and plutocracy. Did I just say too much? I promised myself to keep this polite, and not get into politics.

I might rant more about the Constitution and it's slide to irrelevancy at a later date, but this is Independence Day:

So, one would assume that the 4th of July marks the day that we left the British Empire and started the Revolutionary War, right? I mean, the fireworks were originally symbolic of war, right? The bombs bursting in air? Our flag still there? (the song is referring to a naval siege in 1814)

Hah! The first battle had taken place in April 1775, and the official Army (of which I am currently a member) was formed 7 June 1775. That's 13 months prior to this "birthday" we celebrate today. So, if the War was already underway, and our present government would not exist for another 12 years, why do we call it "America's Birthday"? Because we contemporary Americans are a bunch of ignorant fools who think that the line is "let Freedom ring".

(I hate to nit-pick, but the lyric to the song is "let Freedom reign", which is also what Martin Luther King said [the Wikipedia transcript is WRONG! arrgh!]. I love Martina McBride's voice and eyes, but she sang it as "ring", with a bell in the background! Doesn't she employ anyone to catch embarrassing things like this? I have never forgiven her.)

I don't want anyone to feel stupid (including Martina). I thought it was "ring" through most of my life, but seriously: doesn't it finally make sense once you realise it is "reign"?

If anyone is still reading this, I want you to know that this is what I celebrate on the 4th, that:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.

Quoting this online will probably bring me to the attention of the Department of Homeland Security.

Bills

2007-07-03T08:23:00.000-07:00

I just read, in a certain document (not classified), that Fort Irwin's electricity bill is $1.7 M PER MONTH! I don't even think that includes residential usage. How can any bill be $1,700,000 PER MONTH!?

I understand that there is big power-sucking equipment here, and that this is California, but this just boggles the mind. That's right: my mind is Officially Boggled. I don't even know what else to say.

African Dwarf Frogs

2007-07-02T17:41:00.000-07:00

African Dwarf Frogs are the cutest of all the African frogs. This is not just because they are tiny. (African Dwarf Frogs grow to be the size of a silver dollar, but my largest is barely a nickel.) African Dwarf Frogs, once they have adjusted to their new home, will often frolic in whatever mild currents are available. My youngest African Dwarf Frog sometimes spends an hour riding the bubbles to the top, then letting the flow of the filter pump propel him back to the bottom, then up the bubble-elevator again, around and around. I know he's doing it on purpose because he has plenty of other places to hang out. It's a 55-gallon aquarium, which is like a mansion to an African Dwarf Frog. Also, they often float semi-buoyant at the bottom, with one hind foot on the gravel and the rest outstretched in a Tai Chi pose. Pictures of my African Dwarf Frogs will be posted soon.

I'm actually considering moving all three of them to my old 5-gallon hexagon. One problem with African Dwarf Frogs is starvation. It's not easy for African Dwarf Frogs to get to food if you have greedy fish, and most of my fish are G-R-E-E-D-Y. They act like they're starving even when they're overfed, which they have been lately. I've been overfeeding to make sure my African Dwarf Frogs get some. This isn't good for the fish or the water chemistry. Therefore I will create a separate, 5-gallon, African Dwarf Frog sanctuary. I will name it Amphibious Xanadu: The Fyodor Dostoevsky Memorial African Dwarf Frog Sanctuary And Wildlife Refuge For African Dwarf Frogs.

In conclusion: African Dwarf Frogs are really neat. African Dwarf Frogs can't be beat. (Why would you want to beat something the size of your thumbnail? You're sick!)

Pickles.

If you find this confusing, think about how GoogleAds work and then read this. (Although, to quote Joe, "Context ruins everything".)

My All-Time Favorite Chipmunk Video

2007-06-29T19:53:00.000-07:00

The Dramatic Look! Video

I'm Sorry

2007-06-29T19:27:00.000-07:00

I'm not a good blogger. I wish I could be more like Princess Sparkle Pants, she posts multiple times per day and just writes whatever she is thinking. I get upset whenever I check my favorite blogs and the author is taking days off, but I am now guilty of slacking for a whole week. The sad part is that I check my blog throughout the day to see if anyone left any comments. Why should anyone even visit if I don't add anything? (PLEASE LEAVE COMMENTS, I CRAVE THEM!)

So from now on, I promise to post everyday. Coming soon: an elementary-school-style essay on African Dwarf Frogs designed to influence my GoogleAds, a la Joe Mathlete.

SMBC is funny

2007-06-21T19:04:00.000-07:00

HBO, pt. 2

2007-06-19T12:38:00.000-07:00

The show itself is just okay, but they frequently break into brilliant song. These guys remind me of a skinny Tenacious D from New Zealand (with a dash of Ween). The world could use a thousand more bands like this. Find more video clips HERE.

HBO hooked me again.

2007-06-17T21:56:00.000-07:00

I'm always a little embarrassed to admit that I watch TV shows. I didn't want to like The Sopranos, maybe because it was so popular. But after I accidentally saw a few episodes, there was no going back. I watched Big Love on a lark, and although it's not the best show, I still watch it when it comes out. And don't get me started about Deadwood: it was brilliant and will be missed. Entourage rocks.

Now they've got John From Cincinnati. When I watched the first episode, I wasn't impressed. Then I watched it again and it was OK. Now, after the second episode, I'm hooked again. Especially when the end credits rolled to my favorite TVOTR song. Also, was I hallucinating, or did I see the name DAVID LYNCH in the credits?

Edit: the name was David Milch. I apparently was hallucinating.

Need more frogs.

2007-06-17T20:16:00.000-07:00

I've decided that my African Dwarf Frog is ADORABLE! I'll post a picture as soon as I can.

I'm all up in the Evil Empire.

2007-06-13T14:51:00.000-07:00

Why do the only pictures I have of me with famous people involve unpopular politicians? Coming next week: photos of my picnic with Josef Stalin.

Me with the President

2007-06-12T10:38:00.000-07:00

It's always fun to have lunch with the current President of the United States, whether you like him or not. In his speech, he made a joke about the food, which is standard when speaking to soldiers, but it was a little inappropriate since the foodservice people were standing right there. I hope none of them took it personally. I'm the goofy-looking guy in the upper-right corner.

Joe Mathlete is my Hero

2007-06-07T15:38:00.000-07:00

If he's not too good for GoogleAds, then neither am I. Pickles.

Speak of the Devil...

2007-05-29T16:04:00.000-07:00

Well, my civic actions have paid off with a letter from my Congressman. It's just a form letter in which he never actually says how he plans to vote, but I have a feeling that it won't be the way I asked him to. Now I have to come up with a new issue, and be sure not to leave out my Senators.

Democracy in Action!

2007-05-25T22:09:00.000-07:00

Everyone should contact their Congressman. Even if you don't have an issue to talk about, it's your civic duty to bug them. I recently harrassed Rep. Tom Price (R-Ga. 6th) about H.R. 2060, and it felt great! Every Citizen is entitled to 2 Senators and 1 Representative. It is their job to represent YOU. When you call, all you will get is some aide tallying your opinion into some database, but do it anyway. We have to remind these assholes who they work for. More to follow...

Roosters Playing Soccer

2007-05-24T16:31:00.000-07:00

You don't see this everyday. I really wish you did, it would make anything else okay.

Hello

2007-05-23T19:33:00.000-07:00

Greetings, people of Earth:

The title of this blog is an anagram for my first and last names. Anagrams are fun, espescially if you get let software generate it for you. My email is also an anagram, and although Edgar Nip may look funny, it was either that or Raping Bed. More to follow...